


Guardians

by PrehistoricCat



Category: Primeval
Genre: Angst, Baby, F/M, Hospital
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-29 18:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6387289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrehistoricCat/pseuds/PrehistoricCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This wasn't how it was meant to be.  After everything they'd been through, individually and as a couple, having a baby was supposed to be something positive at last that everyone could celebrate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Matt pressed his forehead against the glass next to his splayed palm and swallowed down the tears he could feel beginning to sting his eyes. He was vaguely aware of someone next to him, but he shut them out. His focus was on the crib directly in front of him.

 

“She'll be fine,” Becker said softly, placing a supportive hand on Matt's shoulder. “She's a fighter, just like her mum.”

 

Matt barely acknowledged his friend, keeping his gaze fixed on his tiny daughter, only a few hours old. This wasn't how it was meant to be. After everything they'd been through, individually and as a couple, having a baby was supposed to be something positive at last that everyone could celebrate.

 

“The doctor asked me to try and persuade you to go home,” Becker said. Matt turned and shot him an angry look. “There's nothing you can do here tonight. The baby's sleeping, Abby's sleeping...”

 

“I need to be here,” Matt said slowly and deliberately. “She'll need a feed again in a couple of hours. It's bad enough that Abby can't do it. I won't let my daughter be fed by strangers. And what if Abby wakes and I'm not around? This whole thing has been traumatic for her, if she thinks I've...”

 

“She's sedated. The doc says she'll sleep for hours yet. Her body needs to rest and so does yours. You won't be any good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself too.” Matt shut Becker out and turned his attention back to the crib. There was no way he would leave now. He'd survived on cat naps for many years in his own time, and he could do it again quite easily. He would go back to the room were Abby was and have a couple of hours sleep in the chair at her bedside, after giving the nursing staff strict instructions to wake him when the baby needed to be fed. He was sure the nurses were perfectly capable but Matt was determined he should be the one to do it and begin to establish a bond with his daughter as soon as possible until Abby was strong enough to do it herself.

 

“When did you last eat?” Becker persisted. He wasn't going anywhere either, not until he'd made sure Matt was doing something to look after himself. He saw Matt give a visible sigh and he knew he'd at least made a small breakthrough.

 

“Last night,” Matt muttered.

 

“What? Matt, that's a whole day ago!”

 

“I don't do breakfast, and we were busy dealing with that creature incursion all morning until... until Jess patched that emergency call through to me. I've been here ever since.”

 

“Then if I can't persuade you to go home and sleep, at least let me buy you a burger from across the road.”

 

“I don't do junk food either.”

 

“Once is not going to hurt you. Look, they've got your mobile number, they've got my mobile number... if anything happens, they'll call and we can be back here in less than five minutes.” Becker stood firm, giving Matt the sort of stern look he usually reserved for the new recruits to get them in line. Matt's shoulder's slumped and Becker knew he had won this battle.

 

The evening rush had subsided by the time they arrived at the burger place, so finding a quiet corner was not difficult. “What do you fancy?” Becker asked. “Cheeseburger and fries? Milkshake?”

 

“Whatever,” Matt muttered, glancing around. He was certain the few people that were eating were watching him, judging him, thinking he was a terrible person for leaving his hours old baby daughter and sick wife alone in the hospital across the road. He would eat as much of his burger as he could stomach just to keep Becker off his back and then he'd leave and go back to Abby's room.

 

Becker pushed a tray of food in front of him and sat opposite. The smell made him feel queasy, but as he swallowed the first mouthful, his stomach growled and he realised just how hungry he was. He would never admit it out loud, but it seemed Becker was right to drag him away and make him have some food.

 

“So does she have a name yet?” Becker asked, trying to lighten the mood a little.

 

Matt shook his head. “We had a few names in mind, but we decided that we wouldn't commit until we'd seen her. Since Abby hasn't really seen her yet...” He stopped and swallowed down the tears he could feel welling up. He was not going to cry in public, and certainly not in front of Becker.

 

“It's just that that's one of the first questions everyone asks isn't it? After 'is it a boy or girl?' and 'how much did she weigh?' of course.”

 

“I'd prefer people not to know yet. If she doesn't make it then...”  
  


“You have to stop thinking like that, Matt!” Becker said firmly. “So, she arrived a bit earlier than she should've, and she's very small and needs extra care at the moment. It doesn't mean that she's going to die. The doctors are very good at taking care of small babies these days. She'll be in your arms and in that nursery you and I spent hours painting before you know it.”

 

“I do appreciate what you're trying to do for me, Becker. But I don't need you to sugar coat the situation. I saw this sort of thing regularly in my own time. On the rare occasion that someone did get pregnant, it usually didn't go to full term. Babies were always born too small, and those that weren't born dead had to fight for air with their tiny lungs. Most didn't make it past the first 48 hours of life.”

 

“But that situation was completely different, Matt.”

 

“Was it? I should've realised that this was a possibility. I probably have some kind of genetic defect caused by years of breathing in toxins.”

 

Becker shook his head. “You're being ridiculous. It's nothing more than an unhappy coincidence. Now. Eat.” He nodded in the direction of the half eaten carton of fries on the table.

 

Matt put two fries into his mouth and chewed, almost having to force them down. He was not entirely convinced that this whole situation wasn't his fault. He was being punished for having hope, for believing things could be normal for him at last. He and Abby had both been to hell and back before they'd found out that she was expecting his baby. They'd dared to hope that it was the end of their sorrows and that a baby would be the start of a happy future they could share together. How stupid could he be?

 

He'd spent his entire life moving from one loss to another – his mother, though he'd been too young to really remember her, and then his sister not long afterwards. That was when his father vowed to do everything in his power to change things. As he grew up, he witnessed people he cared about lose their battle against the poisonous air or fall victim to the vicious predators. Even though he quickly learnt how to shut off his emotions on the outside, it still hurt on the inside. Death always seemed inevitable around him, even when he and his father finally managed to find the right anomaly to bring them to the 21st century. The hope that things would be different here faded immediately when the doctor diagnosed terminal lung cancer in his father. Matt had to put aside his anger and frustration to focus on the task he'd come here to do, but he couldn't help wondering if his father might have been saved if they'd found the anomaly sooner.

 

He'd also known Abby had had more than her fair share of tragedy and difficulties in her life. As he'd studied the comings and goings of the fledgling ARC team, he made a point of researching the people who were getting themselves involved – from Helen Cutter and Christine Johnson to Connor's friends Tom and Duncan. Even back then, Matt had found himself drawn to Abby, sympathising with her life history. Like him, she had lost family members at a young age, but she had ended up being pushed from foster home to foster home when her mother had turned to alcohol and violence to ease her own pain and couldn't cope any more.

 

A year stranded in the Cretaceous era had to be the most arduous thing of all, and Matt had admired the strength and determination Abby and Connor displayed when they returned. With New Dawn destroyed and plans for their wedding in full swing, it should have been a time for celebration, but the cruelty of fate struck again and Connor's tragic death after a locking device failed left everyone reeling, especially Abby.

 

No-one had seemed particularly surprised when Abby and Matt got together. It was almost a year after Connor's death that Abby finally let other people back into her life after shutting everyone out. Matt had been the one she connected with and he just seemed to understand her pain. They found comfort in each other, and when Abby found out she was pregnant, they took it as a positive sign. A new life, a fresh start. Their wedding was a small, private affair with Becker as best man, Jess as bridesmaid and Lester acting as Abby's father in giving her away, and it had all been perfect until now.

 

Becker's phone sounded a text message alert and Matt sat up with a start. How long had he been lost in his own thoughts? He should be getting back to the hospital.

 

“It's okay,” Becker said, putting his phone down and seeing Matt's concern. “It was just Jess, looking for an update. What do you want me to tell her?”

 

“I said I don't want people knowing yet.”  
  
“Jess isn't people, Matt. She was the one that found Abby collapsed in the ladies bathroom at the ARC.”

 

Matt pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Of course, sorry. She should know I suppose. If she hadn't found Abby when she did...” He closed his eyes, not wanting to even contemplate what might have happened. By the time Matt had got to the hospital, the doctors had already dealt with the immediate danger of delivering the baby safely and were concerned with saving Abby's life. She had lost a lot of blood, they told him, and were in the process of assessing whether she would need a blood transfusion or whether the fluids and drugs they were getting into her were enough.

 

“Do you want to head back over, mate?” Becker said. He knew Matt would say yes and they both stood up in silence, weaving through the tables and chairs to the exit of the restaurant. When the fresh air hit him, Matt felt odd. He must've swayed a little because Becker was at his side with a concerned look on his face. “I wish you'd let me drive you home so you can get some sleep.”

 

“I will sleep, Becker. That's a promise, but I need to be with Abby and the baby.”

 

Becker gave up and walked slowly with Matt back across the road to the hospital and down what felt like an endless corridor towards the private room where Abby was. He had done what he could and sensed that Matt was not going to be persuaded to do anything other than be with his wife. Given the circumstances, Becker supposed he would do exactly the same and he really couldn't blame Matt at all.

 

“I'll stop by Jess's on the way home and fill her in. Always sounds better in person, right?”

 

Matt nodded. “Tell her thank you from me.”

 

“I will. And I'll come and see you in the morning. Is there anything I can get for you?”

 

“I'll be fine, but Abby would probably welcome some of her own toiletries and we'll need the baby stuff. There's a bag just inside the nursery door that she started to put together.” For once, Matt was grateful that Abby was insistent on being well prepared and he had no doubt she would have thought of everything. She clearly knew he would be useless when the time came, regardless of when that was.

 

Becker left with a silent goodbye and Matt watched his friend stride back down the corridor until he had turned off and was out of sight. Then he took a deep breath and went back into Abby's room. For a moment, he tried to believe that everything was normal and she was just waiting for him to climb into the bed beside her. She looked peaceful, just as she always did when she slept. Matt often liked to watch her when he was finding rest difficult, he found it comforting. He perched on the edge of the bed and stroked her cheek, pushing aside a stray piece of hair that had fallen over her eyes. That was when he couldn't hold back any more. The tears he'd been fighting when he was with Becker began to fall. She looked like she was made of porcelain, her skin was always pale anyway, but now it appeared almost translucent and cold to the touch.

 

“Abby!” Grasping her hand in his tightly, he finally allowed himself to cry. Nothing he'd ever experienced before had hurt like this. If he lost Abby now, he wasn't sure he would be able to put himself back together again. Her hand felt so tiny, reminding him just how vulnerable she actually was despite the tough act she always put on in public. She was very much like him in that respect and was probably the reason they had found each other in those dark days after Connor died.

 

The next thing he knew, a nurse was gently shaking his shoulder and saying his name. He blinked, disorientated for a moment and then he looked at her.

 

“You said we were to wake you when your daughter needed to be fed. If you need to sleep, we have excellent nursing staff who...”

 

“No, it's fine. I'll be there in a moment. Thank you.”

 

The nurse gave him a sympathetic look. “You should've come and asked for a spare pillow and some blankets. I'll find you some whilst you're taking care of the baby so you can get a couple more hours sleep in relative comfort. You're going to need as much strength as possible.”

 

Matt gave a grateful smile and stretched out his aching limbs before making his way along the corridor back to the baby unit. He went through the strict hygiene routine he'd been shown earlier before entering the controlled area where the babies requiring special care were.

 

“Mr Anderson, your daughter is ready to be fed. The nurse is just taking her out of her crib.” The midwife in charge said, and motioned for Matt to take a seat whilst the nurse carefully wrapped the tiny baby in a blanket and brought her over to Matt.

 

“Hey, Princess,” he said softly, tenderly stroking her cheek with the tips of his fingers. She stirred slightly, responding to him and he felt his heart skip a beat. Was it possible to feel so much love for her already? The nurse gave him a tiny bottle prepared with formula.

 

“Would you like me to leave you alone for a few minutes?” she said. “She can be away from the phototherapy unit for about half an hour. Plenty of time for some daddy and daughter bonding.”

 

A sudden panic hit him. What if he did something wrong? “I'd like you to stay, if that's okay?”

 

“Of course it is.” She settled herself on another chair a respectful distance away and busied herself writing on a clipboard. Matt watched her for a moment and then turned his attention back to watching his daughter suckling gently on the teat of the bottle. The baby responded to his touch again and he smiled. Despite the fact she was still very wrinkled with the tell tale yellowing of the skin that had alerted the medics to jaundice, he could see that she had the same delicate facial features that Abby had. She also had a hint of white, downy hair. She was going to be every inch her mother, and that thought made the tears begin to well in his eyes. He'd never really known his own mother, but he hoped that his baby would not only know her mother, but have a long and happy bond with her for many years.

 

The baby had stopped suckling, and Matt remembered that he needed to wind her. He sat her up and she immediately belched and became floppy in his hands. He pulled her closer to him, listening to her soft rhythmic breathing as she began to fall asleep. He too felt drowsy, and his mind drifted to thoughts of other babies he'd held. In his own time, he'd helped deliver three babies. Two were still born, and he would never forget that terrible stabbing pain in his chest he'd felt when he realised they were dead. The third was born alive, but died after a few minutes despite the best efforts of himself and two others. He gazed down at his sleeping daughter, needing to check that she was breathing.

 

“Mr Anderson, I'm sorry. It's time for her to go back.”

 

He looked up and nodded and kissed the baby's forehead. “Daddy'll be back later, Princess.” he whispered before handing her back to the nurse. He watched as she settled the baby back into the special crib and switched the lamp back on.

 

“How long will she need to stay under that?” he asked. He was sure the doctors had told him already, but his head was all over the place and he hadn't really taken any of it in.

 

“Shouldn't be more than a few days, jaundice usually clears up pretty quickly. The doctor will test her bilirubin levels tomorrow morning and we'll be able to see how well she's responding.”

 

“I hope so,” he smiled.

 

As he walked back to Abby's room, he realised just how tired he was, and his stomach was growling in protest as the lack of proper food began to catch up on him. His need for sleep was the greatest though, and he couldn't wait to rest his head beside Abby's and get a couple of hours rest. When he arrived at the room, a nurse was folding a blanket ready to leave on the chair for him.

 

“Thank you,” he said. “I'm ready for that. I never thought to ask for one earlier, they seemed pretty keen for me to go home.”

 

“The day shift don't always realise how it is at night for the relatives,” the nurse responded. “Those of us that are used to the night shift just try to make things as comfortable as possible for them instead of trying to get rid of them.”

 

Matt found himself warming to her, detecting a hint of an Irish accent as she spoke and there was a familiarity about her he couldn't place. He did think about asking whereabouts in Ireland she was from, but that would inevitably lead to her asking him the same. The Ireland he had grown up in would be unrecognisable to her, and whilst he had done his research on the history of the place at the insistence of his father, he didn't know enough to get into a discussion that would lead into politics and religion as it always did when you said you were from Ireland.

 

“I'll leave you to it, Matthew. You look like you need the rest. I expect it's been a very emotionally draining day for you. There's a couple of chocolate bars on the side too for when the hunger really kicks in, but don't tell the doctor or head nurse... I'm not supposed to be giving food to non-patients, and certainly not the unhealthy stuff.”

 

He found the chocolate and felt the hunger pangs grow. Ripping off the wrapper, he broke off a large chunk and pushed it into his mouth. It felt like heaven and he turned to thank the nurse for being so perceptive and thoughtful. She was already almost out of the door.

 

“Sleep well, Matthew,” she said, “and stay strong for your beautiful wife and daughter, and for yourself. You'll all be leaving here as a family before you know it.”

 

After she'd gone, he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and settled himself half on the bed, half on the chair, with his head nestled into Abby's neck and shoulder and his arm resting protectively around her. Sleep overwhelmed him.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Matt was woken by Abby beginning to stir beneath him. He sat up in an instant, preparing himself to deal with her fear and pain as she recalled what happened. The effects of the drugs she'd been given would be wearing off and he would likely have to call a nurse to help relieve her pain. 

“Matt?” Her voice was barely audible as her eyes searched the room, trying to make sense of what she was seeing around her.

“I'm here,” he said, grasping her hand with one hand and reaching to cup her cheek with the other. “It's okay, you're in hospital and they're taking good care of you. Do you remember what happened?”

She closed her eyes for a moment and then the realisation hit her and she tried to sit up. “The baby!” She clutched at her stomach and then grasped at Matt's shirt. “It hurt so much! I couldn't stand up and then there was blood everywhere! Is the baby...”

“She's fine,” Matt wrapped his arms around her, pushing his own fears and concerns to the back of his mind so that he could be strong for Abby. “They delivered her safely, she's being treated for jaundice but she's here. They've got her in the neo-natal unit just down the corridor from here.”

“I want to see her!”

He stroked her hair and kissed her lips. “As soon as the doctor says you're well enough...”

“I don't care, Matt! I need to see my baby, I want to hold her and...”

Abby let out an anguished cry and tried to get out of the bed. A searing pain shot through her body, making her double up and Matt threw his arms around her, turning her to get back onto the bed. “Let me get a nurse. They'll get you something for the pain and then we'll ask about going to see our daughter. I promise.”

He stood back as two nurses made Abby as comfortable as possible, giving her some morphine for the immediate pain and trying to reassure her that she would be able to go and see the baby once the doctor had seen her. Matt felt so helpless. He couldn't stand seeing her in so much pain and his fears that he was going to lose her shot back into the forefront of his mind, making his heart race and bile rise in his throat. 

Abby's distress increased; she didn't care about her own health she just wanted to see her baby and was practically pushing the nurses away. Eventually, Matt intervened, moving to her side and taking her hand tightly. “Abby, didn't I promise you that I'd take you to see her? But you're not going to be any good to her if you don't let these nurses help you first.”

Abby resigned herself to having to do as she was told. The pain was slowly easing, thanks to whatever it was the nurses were giving her, but she would fight against falling asleep again. She was determined to be awake when the doctor came. 

“How long will the doctor be?” Matt asked. “Abby's anxious to see the baby and I don't think she's going to rest properly until she has.”

“Doctor Kilner is due in about half an hour. Your wife is first on his list, Mr Anderson. The staff in the neo-natal unit are also anxious for her to come and see the baby and begin to bond with her and he knows how important it is for everyone.”

“Thank you,” Matt nodded, squeezing Abby's hand. She seemed to relax a little, half an hour was not that long a wait.

“And in the mean time, perhaps Mrs Anderson would like some help bathing?” The older of the two nurses turned to Abby. “A bath or shower is out of the question with all the stitches and equipment, but we can at least make you feel a little cleaner before the doctor examines you?”

Abby nodded and the nurses disappeared to go and get what they needed. Matt tangled his fingers into Abby's and gently kissed her forehead. “You gave me one hell of a fright you know,” he said softly.

“Sorry.”

“I thought I was going to lose both of you.” 

Abby released her hand from his grip and reached up to touch his cheek. He closed his eyes for a moment, then placed his own hand over hers and held it against his face.

“Have you seen her? What's she like?”

“Beautiful, just like her mother. I'm in love with her already, and you'll fall for her the moment you see her too.”

The nurses came back and began getting ready to help Abby get cleaned up. “You're welcome to stay, Mr Anderson, but maybe you'd like to go and get yourself freshened up too and get some coffee?”

Abby gave Matt a nod to let him know she would be okay, so he made his way out into the corridor. He wasn't entirely sure which way to go and where he needed to be the most. The baby would surely be needing her first feed of the day by now, but it had been a long and confusing night and a cup of coffee would be very much welcomed. Last night he'd been so adamant that strangers shouldn't be feeding her, but he realised that he should also accept the help of the nursing staff whilst it was available. 

As he stood trying to make a decision, the nurse that had brought the blankets for him came past. She was fastening her coat up and obviously going home after her shift.

“Good morning, Matthew,” she greeted with a smile. “How's your wife?”

“She woke up, so I feel a little more positive than I did last night. She's in a lot of pain and anxious to see the baby, but...”

“Well that's something at least. Didn't I tell you that you'd be walking out of here as a family before too long?” She touched his shoulder and turned to leave, but stopped. “You look like you need coffee and a shower. Did they show you the parent's room by the baby unit?”

Matt tried to think. Yesterday was pretty much a blur and he'd been too concerned about Abby and the baby to take in anything else. The nurse took his silence to mean that he hadn't been shown it so she told him to follow her. He felt guilty, this nurse had already done a long night shift and had helped him out more than she was supposed to, and now she was helping him again in her own time.

“A lot of the parents practically live here, if not both of them then one or the other. There's a bathroom and a kitchen with some basics. Better than the coffee out of the vending machine in foyer.”

She was right about it being basic, but the thought of a shower and a decent coffee was good. He remembered that Becker was going to be visiting at some point and he was going to be bringing some things for Abby and the baby. He half wished he'd not dismissed Becker's offer to bring something for him too so easily since he didn't even have a towel, let alone soap.

As if reading his mind, the nurse had gone into the bathroom and he could hear her rummaging through the cupboard beneath the sink. “I've no idea how long this shower gel's been in here,” she called, “but it's better than nothing. There's a couple of towels left out on the radiator too.”

Matt opened his mouth to say thank you, but she raised her hand to silence him and smiled. “It's my job. Now, I need to get some sleep... but I'm back on shift this evening. I'll look in on you and Abby and make sure you have everything you need.”

She was gone before he had chance to respond, so he locked the bathroom door and undressed. The shower felt amazing and as the hot water flowed over his aching body, it seemed that his cares were also being washed away, even if it was only just for a few moments. He shut his eyes, savouring this time alone to try and make sense of what was happening. This time yesterday, he and Abby were on their way to the ARC as usual, blissfully unaware of the drama that would unfold only hours later. Abby had plans. It was time to place the large supplies order for the Menagerie and she needed to make sure it was all properly logged so that whoever took over whilst she was on maternity leave would know exactly what needed to be ordered in and how much. Until now, most of it was in her head. That was what she was doing when the anomaly detector sounded the alarm. She'd stuck her head out of the office door and kissed Matt's cheek as he passed and everything had seemed perfectly fine.

He tried to think of anything he'd missed. She hadn't mentioned not feeling well, just her usual stiff back that she'd been having trouble with for the last few weeks. She was at that stage in her pregnancy where everyone commented how well she looked and said that she was “blooming” - and she was. Matt thought she looked incredibly beautiful with her perfectly rounded baby bump. What on earth had happened to change all of that so suddenly? 

By the time he got back to Abby's room, the doctor was already carrying out an examination on her. Matt sat by her side and waited for the doctor to speak. He vaguely recognised him as the doctor that had spoken to him yesterday when he first arrived, but that was all he remembered about that meeting.

“Mr Anderson, I was just beginning to explain to your wife why it was necessary for us to perform an emergency caesarean even though she presented at only 34 weeks.”

Matt nodded. The baby had been in distress when Abby was brought in, if they hadn't delivered her there and then, they'd have lost her. That part Matt understood and he could see Abby nodding in agreement too. Then the doctor started to explain to Abby what had happened to her and Matt felt guilty that he didn't have much of a clue about some of the terminology being used, though he knew Abby would. 

From the moment Abby realised she was pregnant, she had gone to great lengths to find out as much as possible. This included everything that could go wrong too. Matt had deliberately veered away from a lot of that stuff, particularly on the internet, not wanting to be the kind of partner that jumped at the slightest twinge Abby would get. She would not appreciate being wrapped up in cotton wool for nine months, or having him fuss over her un-necessarily. Of course, he knew enough about the various stages of development, what they should see at each scan and that he needed to make sure Abby rested. He'd become an expert in massaging swollen ankles, and Abby had said his back rubs were “divine”.

“Was it something I did wrong?” Abby's voice broke Matt's thoughts. “Did I miss a symptom that I should have gone to the doctor with?” 

“Of course not, Mrs Anderson,” the doctor said. “I have your notes from your 20 week scan and your last couple of visits to your midwife. Everything was fine as far as I can see, nothing was flagged as being of concern. In fact, your whole pregnancy progressed extremely well. You seem to have taken very good of yourself.”

“Then how can something like this happen?” Matt asked. “If Abby was in perfect health, then is it the baby? Something she inherited from me perhaps?” His fears that the toxins he'd breathed in over the years before he came through the anomaly had damaged the genetic code he would have passed on came back to the forefront of his mind. He could hear Becker dismissing that as ridiculous, and Abby was now giving him a similar look. He'd never actually voiced those concerns to her, not wanting to worry her, but now he wished he had so that she'd been more prepared.

“We still have a lot to learn about premature births,” the doctor said. “so it's not always possible to explain why it happens. Abby may have an infection, and I'll have some blood and urine samples taken for analysis, but it's often more complicated than one single reason. Our priority now is getting Mrs Anderson back on her feet, and taking care of your daughter over the coming days and weeks.”

“When can I see her?”

“Ideally, you should be on complete bed rest for a couple of days because of your stitches and the amount of blood you lost.”

Abby's face fell and she looked pleadingly at Matt, squeezing his hand. “Doc, you don't know my wife. Nothing is going to stop her from...”

“I understand, Mr Anderson. And it's important for the baby to begin to bond with her mother too. I will allow short visits to the baby unit, Mrs Anderson, but you must ask for a nurse or your husband to take you down in a wheelchair.”

Abby nodded enthusiastically, and her smile lit up the room. The doctor left, saying he'd come and see her again tomorrow and hoped to have the results of the blood and urine tests he was ordering by then. One of the nurses that had helped Abby earlier came back in and performed the tests as quickly as possible, then showed Matt how to help her into the wheelchair properly. Finally, they were ready.

As they made their way down the corridor, Matt tried to prepare Abby for what she was going to see. Like him, he knew Abby had imagined the moment that she would see her baby for the first time and this experience would be so far removed from that it would be almost alien. He'd been grateful to have Becker with him when he first saw the cot with the lamp over the tiny baby. He wasn't sure that he'd have coped on his own.

He wheeled Abby as close to the cot as possible, then took a step back to give her a moment to herself. He tried to read her expression but grew concerned that the only expression she had was one he knew too well. It was the one she put on when she was afraid but didn't want to show it. He took her hand and kissed it, then moved closer to the cot.

“Most of this stuff you see is just monitoring her,” he explained. “The lamp acts like sunlight, they were pretty common in my time.” He stopped. Abby's face was still fixed in that “I'm brave” look. After being so adamant she wanted to see their daughter, this wasn't quite what he expected. “She needs to stay under most of the time for a while, but they take her out for about half an hour at a time and that's when we can feed her, give her cuddles and...”

The baby seemed aware of their presence and stirred, making a tiny whimper. Matt couldn't help smiling, he felt so much love for her.

Abby took a visible deep breath and the brave façade dropped. Matt had only ever seen Abby look this afraid once before, and that was at Connor's funeral when it finally hit her that he'd gone and she was alone. She tentatively reached into the cot and brushed her fingertips on the baby's cheek then suddenly she pulled her arms out and turned away. She almost choked on her tears as she begged Matt to take her back to her room.

“I can't do this!” she sobbed. “I should've listened to the doctor and stayed in bed.”

“Abby?”

“Please, Matt. I'm not ready. Take me back.”

“If you're sure...” Confused, Matt turned the wheelchair round and wheeled her out of the room He caught the eye of the nurse as they came out and she gave him a sympathetic smile. He would come and speak to her later and seek her advice about this weird situation.

He helped Abby get back into bed; neither had spoken since they'd left the baby unit and now Abby was putting up as many barriers as possible. She rolled onto her side, facing away from Matt. After a few long awkward moments, he sat on the edge of the bed and stroked her shoulder, hoping she'd turn to face him. She didn't move.

“Do you want to talk?” he finally said.

Abby shook her head. “I'm tired. I just want to sleep. Maybe you should go home for a few hours? Did you call Jack yet? He should at least know he's an uncle.”

Matt tutted and rolled his eyes. His opinion of Jack was very low, especially as he didn't turn up to their wedding without even giving Abby a decent excuse. When Abby had told him she was pregnant, Jack didn't even bring himself to say 'congratulations' and quickly changed the conversation into one about a potential job interview he was going to but needed some money to pay for the train fare to get there. Matt hated the way Jack was only interested in Abby when he needed something, but she refused to cut him out of her life because he was the only family she had. 

“Is his number in your phone?” Abby just nodded. “Okay, I'll just head back to the baby unit and let them know where I am. Then I'll let you get some rest.” He kissed her and then left, his head spinning.

He leaned against the wall of the corridor for support, closing his eyes and wishing that this nightmare would come to an end when he opened them again. It didn't. He was still here in the hospital, his baby daughter poorly and his wife pushing both him and the baby away, shutting herself back into the isolating cocoon she'd lived in after Connor died. That was how Abby coped with a bad situation that she had no control over.

He stared down the corridor towards the baby unit, knowing he should go there and speak to the nurse. He had so many questions but was afraid of the answers. He knew that the mothering instinct wasn't necessarily automatic, but he'd not expected Abby to completely walk away from the baby having only barely touched her for a moment. Was that normal? 

“Matt? Is everything okay?”

The familiar voice of Captain Becker was almost a relief. He'd forgotten that Becker had said he would stop by and now he was the most welcome sight in the world. Someone removed emotionally from the situation and would maybe talk some sense into him. 

“Yes and no,” he turned to his friend, grateful to see that he had brought the bag of essentials that Abby had pre-packed and left in the nursery. “Mostly yes, but there's a few things that I really don't understand right now.”

“Things are bound to be a bit difficult for a while,” Becker said. He passed the bag to Matt. “I had Jess go through it to make sure everything was there. I think she added a couple of things, and I put in some stuff for you... change of clothes, a battery operated shaver, some toiletries... You look like you need some fresh air. Have you eaten today?”

Matt was about to snap at Becker – what was this obsession he had with whether he had eaten or not? But he stopped himself. Becker had been right to make him have a burger yesterday, so he was probably right now, and getting some fresh air did sound like a good idea. It might help clear his head so he could deal with things better.

“Can we go somewhere? I need to get away for a little while.”

“I was just on my way to the ARC, did you want to go there?”

Matt shook his head. He wasn't ready to face other people yet and answer their questions. “I just want you to drive somewhere. Somewhere quiet where I can get a decent coffee.”

“I know just the place.”

Fifteen minutes later, Becker was parking up at a small woodland area by a children's play area. It was almost deserted as it was a school day and the only other visitor was a man walking his dog. Matt made his way over to the picnic area whilst Becker went to the small kiosk to get coffee. He watched Becker stride over with a tray, two coffees and what looked to be two bacon sandwiches. He felt guilty, this was the second day in a row that the soldier had bought him food and he'd never even offered to pay. As Becker sat down, Matt reached into his pocket to look for his wallet. Apart from his ID, a credit card and a photo of Abby, it was empty. He'd used the last of his change paying for parking a few days ago and had intended to get some cash when he and Abby went shopping. He looked apologetically at Becker, who dismissed it with a wave of his hand.

“You can buy me a couple of beers when all of this is over,” he said. 

The two sat in silence as they ate and drank, the fresh air doing little to clear Matt's head. He watched the man with the dog for a few moments, avoiding Becker's gaze. 

Becker cleared his throat. “So, are you going to tell me how Abby and the baby are, or do I have to guess?”

Matt sighed. He wanted to tell his friend everything but he couldn't. Somehow it felt like he'd failed as a husband and father in not understanding what was happening, and if he shared that with Becker it would be admitting a weakness. “The baby's okay. No real change from yesterday, so I suppose that's a positive. Abby woke up this morning, and apart from needing complete bed rest for a while it looks like she's going to be fine.”

Becker raised a questioning eyebrow and Matt felt his stomach lurch as if he was about to be sick. Becker knew he wasn't being completely honest, but knew Matt too well to push him for more information. “If there's anything that any of us can do... Lester mentioned the possibility of getting the baby into private care.”

“I don't think moving her would be a good idea,” Matt said. “Besides, they know what they're doing in that unit. I'm certain she's being well looked after.”

Becker's mobile rang and he took it out of his pocket frowning. “I should take this, sorry. It's Lester.”

Matt nodded, and turned his attention back to the man and the dog whilst Becker took his phonecall, drinking the last of his coffee. A young woman arrived with a toddler in a pushchair and he smiled as he watched her lift the child out and into the seat of one of the swings. By the time Becker had finished his call, the child was giggling and screaming loudly as her mum pushed her higher on the swing. That was how it should be, a mother and child spending time together in the simplest way. It was a part of his own childhood that had never existed. His father had tried but their situation made it almost impossible. He wanted his own child to experience a proper childhood with a mother and father to play with her. From Abby's reaction this morning, he was beginning to question whether that would ever happen.

“Matt?”

He hadn't realised Becker was talking to him and apologised. “I'm needed at the ARC,” Becker continued. “What do you want to do? I'm happy to drive you back to the hospital or take you home?”

“I think I'll stay here for a while longer. I'll walk into town and get a taxi back to the hospital later.”

“Are you sure everything's alright? Yesterday I had to practically drag you away just to get some food, but today it's like you don't want to be there.”

“I'm just a bit overwhelmed by it all,” Matt said. “Some time alone with my thoughts might help.”

Becker nodded and stood up to head back to his car, but hesitated. “I can always call Lester back and see if the guys can deal with this on their own.”

“Becker... With myself and Abby out of action, you're the only senior team member around. They need you. Please... it would be a massive weight off my mind if I knew someone reliable was taking charge.”

Becker placed his hand on Matt's shoulder and told him to call him if there was anything he could do. Matt watched Becker drive away, staring down the road for several minutes after the car had disappeared from sight. Finally alone, he reached into his pocket and took out Abby's phone. He'd been given it in a small plastic bag along with Abby's ID card and her car keys that had been in her pockets when she was brought in, and he'd just shoved them into his own pockets.

Switching it on, he scrolled through her list of names to find Jack so that he could keep his promise to let him know the baby had arrived. It was relief when the number went straight to voicemail. At least he didn't have to actually speak to him. It was a quick message, just telling Jack the basics and if he needed to know more to call Matt's phone directly. He then switched it off again and pushed it back in his pocket. 

He sighed and watched the woman with the child, who was now scrambling up the steps of the small slide. Guilt suddenly hit him. Whilst he was watching this little girl, his own daughter was alone in the hospital, being taken care of by strangers. Yes, those strangers were nurses who were very competent at their job and the baby would be looked after well, but it was no substitute for her own flesh and blood. He was regretting sending Becker away so quickly now, and wondered how long it would take him to walk into the town. It couldn't be helped, so he rose to his feet and began to stride purposefully across the car park towards the road. The sooner he was back at the hospital the better.


	3. Chapter 3

The day had run away from him and it was evening. After returning, he had spent the entire time in the baby unit sitting beside his daughter's cot. Every now and then she stirred and he would reach in and touch her, whisper to her and gently kiss her tiny head. He fed her a couple of times and now felt completely at ease with it, and he'd even changed her nappy as well with a little help from the nurse. It surprised him just how quickly he was adapting to his new role but his joy was marred by his thought that it should be Abby showing him what to do and them both learning together. He'd looked in on Abby a few times whilst the nurses attended to the baby, but she'd been asleep each time – or was at least pretending to sleep. He'd watched her sleep many times and he knew exactly how she looked. She was shutting everyone out, including him, and the thought made his heart ache. He had hoped Abby had gone past that by now since she knew how doing the exact same thing after Connor died had almost killed her too.

 

He'd been able to help her before. He'd experienced death, so was able to empathise with her and guide her through the darkness back towards the light. The difference this time was that he didn't have a clue where to start with her. As he watched one of the nurses, he wondered if he should ask her if Abby's reaction was normal, but she seemed so busy and he didn't want to disturb her.

 

The lights of the ward were being dimmed ready for the night shift. Only the corridors and the nurses station were well lit, so Matt moved out into the corridor and sat down, debating whether to go to the parent's room to try and catch a little sleep on the sofa he'd seen there, or whether he should go to Abby and spend the night with her. How long did he let her push him away?

 

“Matthew? I thought you'd be with your wife. I saw on the board that she was on bed rest but otherwise fine.”

 

Matt looked up and caught the confused gaze of the Irish nurse that had been so kind to him last night and early this morning.

 

“It's been a confusing day,” he said.

 

“I'll bet,” she said, sitting next to him. “Sometimes the doctors forget to actually speak in normal language when they start explaining things.”

 

“It's not that.” He looked down at his feet for a moment and then back up at the nurse's kindly face. He couldn't say why, but he felt completely at ease around her and the hesitation he'd felt around the other nurses disappeared with her. “It's Abby's reaction to the baby that I don't understand.”

 

“She freaked out?”

 

He nodded. “It's just not Abby at all, and she was so happy about being a mother and looking forward to having her own family.”

 

“You have to remember that she's been through a massive trauma. Until yesterday, she was still connected to that baby in the way only a mother can experience. She would have felt her moving inside her, mother and baby getting to know each other and Abby's body preparing for that moment when the child would arrive amongst a rush of hormones and intense love. Abby's been denied that and she's struggling. She's scared because things haven't started in the way they're supposed to, and she thinks it's her fault perhaps...”

 

Matt closed his eyes, remembering that Abby had asked the doctor if she'd missed a symptom that she could've done something about. He'd been so wrapped up in blaming himself that he'd barely given her comment a thought. It was all beginning to make sense now. Now he felt terrible for not making more of an effort to get through to her today. Whatever hurt and confusion he was feeling, it must be ten times worse for her and he'd not even realised.

 

“What do I do about it?”

 

“Be there for her. You love each other and right now she needs to know that none of this is anyone's fault, and that you don't blame her either.” The nurse took Matt's hand. “You should be with her now, even if she's blanking you, your presence will be welcomed in the long run.”

 

“And the baby? What if Abby doesn't bond with her?”

 

“She will, but give it a little time. Abby has to deal with her own demons first, and she will with your help. She already has a bond with the baby, that connection between a mother and her child is a strong one. It can reach out across long distances.”

 

“Even if that distance is in time as well as miles?” Matt didn't know why he'd said that, but it seemed to fall from his mouth so naturally. He'd asked the same question over ten years ago when he and his father had been preparing to leave their own time to come to the 21st Century. In a rare moment of self doubt, Matt had said that he couldn't leave the one connection he had to his mother and had spent the night sitting beside the marker that they'd placed to show the spot where she'd been buried when he was only a small child. His father had told him that the connection to his mother would always be there in his heart, and it was such a strong connection it would stretch across huge distances.

 

If the nurse was a little confused by his comment, she didn't show it. She was standing up and urging Matt to do the same. “Go and be with Abby,” she said softly. “She's on my rota again tonight, so I'll look in on you both a little later. If there's anything you need, just come and find me.”

 

“I will...and thank you.. Nurse...?” He realised that whilst she was on first name terms with him and Abby, he didn't even know her as anything other than nurse. She was already off down the corridor and hadn't heard his question though, so he turned and made his way to Abby's room.

 

He paused at the door and took a deep breath. He couldn't believe that he'd been so self absorbed to not understand why Abby was struggling with events. No wonder she had shut him out, it was what he deserved. The room was in darkness although there was still a little light filtering from the corridor underneath the door after he'd closed it. Settling himself on the edge of the bed, he allowed his eyes to adjust to the light and listened to the steady rhythm of Abby's breathing. He was certain that she wasn't asleep and would surely know he was there, so he reached out and gently moved a piece of hair that had fallen over her face and tucked it behind her ear.

 

“Abby?”

 

She didn't respond, but her breathing changed and he knew that she had stopped pretending to be asleep. That was something at least. He shifted himself so that he was half laid, half sat on the bed and wrapped his arm around Abby's body, pressing himself against her back and softly kissing her neck just below her ear. He half expected her to shrug him away, but she didn't so he kissed her again and tried to make himself comfortable, preparing to spend several hours like this if need be. As he ran his fingertips over her cheek, he felt a dampness there and realised for the first time that she was crying.

 

“Abby? I know this is hard, and I'm sorry that I haven't been around for you...”

 

“You don't have anything to be sorry about. This is my...”

 

“Don't you dare say this is your fault. You heard that doctor, it's just one of those things and we may never really know why it happened. What's important now is getting you back on your feet and being there for our beautiful daughter.”

 

Abby rolled over onto her back so that she could look at Matt properly. He wiped her tears from her cheeks with his thumbs and then leaned in to kiss her softly on the lips. “When I first realised I was pregnant, I was terrified something like this would happen,” she began. Matt put his finger on her lips to make her stop talking, but she pushed it away. Matt knew not to argue, realising that she needed to talk.

 

“I was scared too, Abby. The babies born in my time...”

 

“I don't mean her being born early. I mean... being a terrible mother. Look at my own mother. I was so scared that I'd be like her, then as I felt her grow inside me I vowed that I would do everything in my power to make sure I wasn't like my mother. But look at me, Matt! The first time I touch her and I can't even look her in the face!”

 

“You've been through a massive trauma,” Matt said softly, recalling the words of the nurse earlier, the words that had made him understand a little more about what was happening to them. “You could've died if Jess hadn't found you when she did... and I might have lost both of you.” Matt took a deep breath, fighting back his own tears. He had to be the strong one at the moment. “I guess it's perfectly reasonable to feel more than just a little overwhelmed by it all. She wasn't supposed to arrive for another few weeks, and neither of us were prepared for this sudden rush of emotion and adrenaline.”

 

“So you don't think I'm a terrible mother?”

 

“Far from it, Abby, far from it. You'll be a fantastic mother – didn't I say that from the beginning? If I've neglected you today, it was because my own head was still trying to process it all. I'm sorry.” He pulled Abby into his arms, enveloping her completely and they both clung to each other for several long minutes.

 

“I want to see her,” Abby said finally. “I know its night time and she'll probably be sleeping, but I just need...”

 

“I'll go and ask if it would be okay,” Matt practically leapt up and stuck his head out of the door, looking up and down the corridor for some assistance. Almost as if she'd read his mind, the Irish nurse was just coming out of another room a little further down.

 

“Is everything alright, Matthew?”

 

“Yes,” he smiled. “Abby wants to see our daughter. We know she'll be sleeping but...”

 

“I'll get you a wheelchair.”

 

“No, it's fine. I know where they're kept. You're busy enough without running around after me. It'll be okay for us to visit the baby unit at this time of night though?”

 

“They'll encourage it, given what happened before. I'll come with you though, just to make sure.”

 

Matt found a wheelchair and took it in to Abby's room, helping her into it and prepared to make his way down to the baby unit. The nurse was waiting for them.

 

“Hello Abby, it's good to see you out of bed.”

 

Abby looked at Matt and reached for his hand. “Oh, this is nurse... nurse...”

 

“Ashling, just call me Ashling.”

 

“Ashling,” Matt repeated and felt his heart pound just a little harder. “That was my mother's name.”

 

“And I'm sure she'd be very proud of you right now. Come on, let's go see that wee girl of yours, eh.”

 

Matt and Abby went slowly down to the baby unit, and Ashling disappeared inside briefly, coming out moments later. “Go in,” she smiled. “She's sleeping of course, but if you're careful you'll be able to hold her if you want. I'll leave you both to it. I have a feeling everything's going to be fine now.”

 

“Thank you,” Matt said and squeezed Abbys hand, silently acknowledging that she was ready. The nurse on duty on the unit looked up as they entered and nodded. This time, as Matt wheeled Abby closer to the cot, he could see a difference in her face. The wall that she'd put up previously had been dropped and the tears welling in both their eyes were ones of joy and love.

 

Abby reached into the cot and stroked the baby's cheek, finally letting her tears fall. “Hello, I'm your mummy,” she managed to choke out between sobs. As much as Matt longed to hold her, he took a step back. Abby needed this moment to connect. “I'm sorry about before, but I was scared. I promise I won't leave you again.”

 

The baby stirred and gave a little whimper. Matt placed his hands on Abby's shoulders and leaned over to look in the cot. “Look, she's awake. She knows her mummy's here.”

 

“Nurse... can we hold her? Just for few minutes.” Abby pleaded. The nurse nodded and said since the baby was awake it wouldn't hurt to have a little cuddle. Matt carefully lifted the tiny bundle out of the cot and placed her into Abby's waiting arms and then he finally allowed his own tears to flow, wrapping his arms around both Abby and his daughter and holding them in his protective embrace.

 

“Ashling,” Abby whispered after a few minutes, kissing the baby's forehead.

 

“What?”

 

“How come you didn't mention your mum's name when we thinking about baby names?”

 

“You said you didn't want an Irish name because people always have difficulty spelling them.”

 

“But your mother... Matt, you should have said. We should call her after your mum.”

 

The baby gave a contented sigh and Matt laughed, it seemed she agreed with her new name as well. He squeezed both of them tightly and felt a huge sense of joy and love like he'd never experienced before. Like Ashling had said, he had a feeling everything was going to be fine.

 

Three Weeks Later

 

Matt couldn't believe it was finally happening. Both of his girls were coming home at last. Abby had been discharged a few days after that first cuddle in the baby unit, but had been pretty much living at the hospital whilst baby Ashling continued her treatment. But now, he was fastening her into the carrier whilst Abby made sure that they had all of their belongings and gave a final glance around at the place they weren't sorry to see the last of.

 

They stopped at the nurses station as they'd been instructed so they could all say goodbye. He'd bought a huge bunch of flowers and box of chocolates for them all to share, and had been treated to a hug and kiss from all of them. Abby smiled at him, amused to see her usually poker faced husband actually blushing at the attention.

 

With goodbyes and thank yous done, they prepared to leave for home. “Oh, I almost forgot!” Matt reached into his back pocket and took out a small gift wrapped box and gave it to the senior nurse. “Could you give that to Ashling, the Irish nurse on night duty? She was very helpful and kind to me during the first few difficult days. I wanted to thank her myself but I haven't seen her since Abby was discharged.”

 

“Irish nurse?” The nurses all exchanged looks and looked confused. “Mr. Anderson, we don't have any Irish nurses here. There's a male doctor in A&E that's Irish, but no nurses.”

 

“Are you sure? She's got red hair, keeps it tied up in a knot and...” He felt Abby's hand on his shoulder and he stopped. Of course the nurses would know whether they had a colleague that was Irish or not, but he was puzzled.

 

They went out to the car and Matt opened the back passenger door, carefully placing Ashling's carrier into the car seat anchors he'd spent hours fitting and triple checking to ensure it was properly fixed into place. This was probably the most precious cargo he'd ever carry in his car and he was taking no chances. Abby left him to it and settled herself into the front passenger seat, glancing back to watch Matt fuss with the seat again and pushing back the urge to tell him to stop worrying.

 

Finally satisfied, Matt got into the driver's seat and started the car, pulling out of the car park for the last time and heading for home. “Strange thing about that nurse,eh?” he said to Abby. “You met her too, a couple of times...She was with us that night you first held Ashling.”

 

“I remember a nurse being with us, but to be honest I didn't really pay much attention to her accent or what she looked like. Most of what happened in those first few days is a bit of a blur... I'm sorry.”

 

Matt turned his attention to the road ahead whilst Abby fiddled with the CD player to find some music she liked. Then it hit him. He recalled a conversation he'd had with his father once, one of the few occasions that he'd opened up and told Matt about his mother. “What was she like, dad?” he'd asked, “Beautiful, or at least that's what I thought. She had this long, flowing red hair that was always loose when we first met. It made her look like some kind of warrior princess. But after you were born, she kept it fastened up in a knot at the back of her head because it was more practical for nursing a baby. I loved to watch her with you back then. Her name couldn't have been more appropriate. Ashling means 'a vision' or 'a dream' you know, and that's exactly what she was to me.”

 

Perhaps that explained why he was the only one that knew of the kind Irish nurse that had looked after him and gave him such perceptive advice just when he needed it. Maybe his father had been right when he said that his mother would always be with him in his heart. He'd never really believed in anything spiritual; he'd witnessed too much death and destruction for that, but he couldn't dismiss this experience as nothing either. When Ashling was properly settled at home, he'd tackle the subject with Abby, but for now his main priority was his own little 'dream' that was fast asleep in the back of his car.

 

 


End file.
